the piece of glass….

i have recently realized that i’m surrounded by little girls, teenage girls, young women, and even women my own age who are trapped inside a nightmare.

life is comparison, after competition, after failure, after victory, after comparison, after competition, after failure,  after victory!!!!  the trophy–  just a finer piece of glass.

but, hey…

…the Piece of Glass Rules!

okay, i’ll talk about my personal struggle with the piece of glass, (even though i don’t want to).

i don’t know how to do this, exactly, so i’ll just ramble.  *almost every piece of food that goes into my mouth is considered and i believe that to be unhealthy.  *there isn’t any ONE thing that i consider more consistently than ‘food’.  *i remember my mother once telling me: ‘i wish i could be anorexic for a month’.  *i have had thought that more than once myself. *i have had issues with sexual fulfillment due to my physical appearance ONLY, (oh boy…can’t believe i just said that).  *it used to be that when a pretty(ier) woman walked past me i wanted her to croak (or at least fall down).  *i would say that during my adult life i have probably lost and gained the weight of a whole person. *i have taken prescription diet pills, (oh crap) more than once. *i am tempted to delete this post RIGHT NOW because if i go on, no telling what’s gonna come out of my mouth. *i remember being a young girl and looking at the women in my family and hoping to God i wouldn’t grow up to look like them, (oh my). *i…i…i

…am not that person anymore.

i look at the image reflected by the piece of glass differently.  i try to look at her through the invisible mans eyes.  you see…

God’s word says in Psalms 139

Verse 1 says… “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me” ~ Verse 14 says…“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

God fashioned us, crafted us…gazes at us…and He likes us ♡ so, shouldn’t we like us too?  i believe that when WE have a problem liking us, we probably have a problem with God gazing at us.  when we resolve the problem with God — the problem with ones self will naturally follow.

don’t misunderstand me.  *i still struggle with the piece of glass and i still consider food, however not as powerfully as before.  *i don’t want pretty women to croak, (although i would probably laugh if anybody fell down in front of me) — i’m just that way, i know it’s sick.  *i love the women in my family.

this is a powerful song — don’t be fooled by the piece of glass.

you are God’s masterpiece…..a priceless work of art………..

 

sentimental ‘ole me…

…it all started because of a key.

Last week I wasn’t looking for a skeleton key, or the key to a hidden treasure chest, or even an old roller skate key — I started walking down memory lane because I was looking for a drum key.

Gary: Jayme do you have a drum key?

Me: Yeah,  I have one in my desk.

Gary: Okay, I’m on my way to put on the new drum heads.

Me: Okay, I’ll be there in a minute and I’ll get it for you.

It was raining outside when I walked in the side door of the church and headed toward my office —thinking about ‘this and that’ — ’singing the new Hillsong tune in my head’ — ‘wishing that I had a hamburger’ — and I had just remembered what I had left at home when ALL OF A SUDDEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS WALKING TOWARD MY OLD purple OFFICE — which wasn’t where it used to be.  Then it came to me that the ‘drum key‘ I needed to get for Gary was in my old desk which was currently at the dump and probably a pile of rubble by now.

Hey, wait a minute!  What happened to my place?  Where is the room that held my memories?  I mean………..wait!

I didn’t get to say good-bye.

I know that probably sounds stupid.  But…I talked to so many of ‘you’ in my office, sitting on the floor.  You told me your ’secrets’ in there.  We cried in there…together.  We prayed inside those purple walls.  I hid your secrets in my office, (I hid my secrets in there too).

Some of  ‘us’ spoke of difficult things inside my office and when we were done we still loved each other.  However, some of  ‘us’ didn’t.  Some of  ‘us’ argued inside that purple office…never to be the same again.

I could go and on…thirteen years of goings on.

—And it all started because of a drum key, “it” being Sunday’s worship rambling and seeming a bit undone.

However, yesterday…when I heard you sing…

…your voices were as a balm to my soul.

…your voices reminded me that some things never change…no matter where my office is.

PS…I bought another drum key…and I know where it is…

…It’s in Gary’s pocket. 

 

a new favorite…

i have fallen head over heels in ❤ with this band!

they are so raw…their lyrics are poetry AND they ooze with passion!!!!!

totally ❤ them!!

The Avett Brothers

 

…i’m not dead (yet)

Wow…it feels like i’ve been gone from my ramblings for a WAYYYY long time.

So — if anybody out there still gives a rip what I’m up to or where in the world I’ve been — I’d like to ’splain myself.

I haven’t been anywhere ‘in the world‘ — like traveling the world or anything exotic or extraordinary.  Neh, a little more mundane happenings than that but still they’ve been rather significant for me.

Our church of 13 years decided to build — yippe right?  Well, it was for us.  We completed a renovation project that was quite overwhelming for our body.  The ‘WoW-eEe-factor’ was that we polished off the project do-it-yourself style. ✿  PLUS — let’s put the 100% Volunteer Labor cherry on top!  Oh my…we had spilt paint (i did that), we cut and then re-cut boards and several times I remember looking around and seeing wheels turning inside heads so fast that I thought I was gonna get dizzy.  (mainly because I’m s l o w—)!  But it was GREAT!

It is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.  Not because of the material inside — no — there are much prettier worship theaters.  It is beautiful to me because — me and my friends built it together.  We laughed together and we smelt bad together and we looked like C.R.A.P. together and we cried together and built this place for our best friend Jesus…together!  (not for ourselves)

Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous…

Psalm 118:15

So, that started off my journey that began back in July.  If I may indulge myself (i mean I have been quiet for a couple months) I’d like to continue with my travels.

We finished the building!  And just in time too!   My little brother got married late September.   He’s been divorced for 10 years and met a beautiful girl who made his blue eyes shimmer.  Plus each time I talked to him on the phone he sounded like a goof-ball so it had to be L.O.V.E!  So off to Texas we went.

I have so much to say…and sometimes thoughts rush to my brain all at once and and I feel like there’s a traffic jam up there –(where’s the stupid traffic cop when I need him?! )  Ugh!!!  Let me just boil it down…because I just looked at the clock and — yikes!! 

I had a very meaningful time with my parents.  Eye-Opening kind of time.  I am grateful.  I came home to my house looking great because my wonderful husband and kids had worked their little bums off on some of the remodeling we had put off on it to work on the church project.  It looks super!

However…my face…!  My face currently does NOT look super!  Apparently the toll of the past months is finally showing up all over my face!

Can you say ZiTs?  Adult Acne?  OOOO— I have NEVER in my whole life had a problem with this! And now at 42 I’m going to break out?  What the Heck?!?!  So — the other day I walked around Atlanta with a bandAid on my chin.  I think I sported the bandAid pretty well, actually.

I must really look like C.R.A.P — Cooper told me that the bump on my chin was the size of a planet. Did I say how mUcH I lOvEd my Kids?

So, let’s just say…I’m recovering from the events of the past months.

I’m not dead — (YET)!

 

happy birthday Nanny, so far away…

i wish i may

i wish i might

have this wish

i wish tonight

with red balloons

and daisies

red balloons and daisies…

done

 

Here’s Wishing You…

Yesterday it was raining!
I mean POURING.
Wait….
let me back up…..

Yesterday morning I needed to go to Staples and get a couple of things for my office.  The weatherman had forecast rain.  It was overcast but that was about it,  just a dreary day. Hard on my asthma, bad for my hair but that’s about it.  But anyway as luck would have it — the bottom fell out as I was paying for my stuff.  The gal at the cash register looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, “I guess you’re not in any hurry to get outta here, are you?”

I tilted my head and looked out the store front windows at the deluge that was beating down on the pavement and in that instant LONGED to be out in the pouring rain.  I wanted to stand in the midst of the rain with it falling down over my head and let the downpour drench me from top to bottom.

I took my bags from the gal and went out to make my wish come true.

With the first drop that touched my head I began to cry.  I just stood there in the parking lot crying as I let the torrent………wash me.   I remember thinking,  “I’m standing here in Staples parking lot, in the pouring rain like it doesn’t even matter — and — it doesn’t.”  It was one of the most beautiful moments in my entire life.

I’ve only ever done that once before.

It was when Brad and I were first dating.  I was 18 and Brad was 20.  He was wearing this stupid cowboy hat and I had on my red ropers (cowboy boots).  (Stop laughing…I wouldn’t be caught dead in red ropers today but I WAS a Texan back then.)  We walked outside hand in hand around his apartment complex in the pouring down rain.   We were out in the rain like it didn’t even matter — and it didn’t.

Later that evening Brad would tell me for the first time that he loved me.  I will never ever forget his silly hat, my red boots or the rain—the feel of the rain.

I have a wish….

I have a wish for you, my friend.

twenty three years of raining love

Little-girl-wishes do come true.

Little-boy’s-big-dreams do come true.

…LIVE..stand in the rain like it doesn’t matter…

 

the Love of my Life

Childhood memories…do you have those?

I remembered one last Sunday…one I haven’t remembered in years.

In my early teens Nanny Ruth and I would go to the mall almost every weekend.  She would take me shopping and wind up spending more money than she had intended.  We would hit all my favorite stores…McRaes, Dillards, JCPenny, and then we would go eat at What-a-Burger.  She never ordered any fries because she said she didn’t want any,  yet she would always eat most of mine, which always irritated me.

It was while we were in the mall — that’s my memory.

One day in particular I noticed that I was walking arm-in-arm with her.  I started thinking…

“Hey, I always walk like this with Nanny.”

I always had crappy luck when I was a teenager.  And as luck would have it — a group of kids from my school rounded the corner up ahead of Nanny and me.  I started to panic and began to wonder…

“Uh…how am I going to let go of her arm without them seeing me?”    I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings and Nanny must have known what was going on because she very gently let go of my arm, and began to “look” at something in a shop window.   I remember looking at her “looking” through that window — the group of kids right ahead of us, about three stores down.  I walked over to her and

me and nanny - always arm in arm

unashamedly looped my arm in hers.  She was the love of my life and I really didn’t mind who knew it.

So–

that’s how I feel now– but towards someone else.

His name is Jesus.

He’s the Love of my life.

And I’m happy for everyone to know it.

 

i’m in the band…

I hate Home Improvement Stores.

They are boring BOY stores!

I loathe plumbing, pipes, wood, toilets, light bulbs, rubber sealers, screws, tools, lawnmowers, paintbrushes, mortar, ceiling tiles, grass seed, electrical wire, carpet padding, batteries, hammers, bricks, fencing and YES…if I have to buy it at a HOME Improvement Store…I even HATE diet Coca Cola!

but…

Last week I was awarded the privilege of going to a local Home Improvement Store to purchase some of supplies for the renovations we’ve been doing on our church building.  (note to self–when hanging out around a building project–LOOK BUSY.)  So, I set out to the Home Improvement Store around 5:15 PM with very specific instructions from the General Contractor in one hand and a fist full of charm in the other.

So…all the way to the store I’m sykin’ myself up with my favorite music mix cd!!  Playin it LOUD and singing at the top of my lungs!  By the time I get to the store…I’m ready!  I’m packin some heat baby!  Let’s do this!

(I don’t know how this happened ~ but this is the sketchy conversation that took place between me and a dude I met in the store — “John”.  The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent,    except for ‘me’ I didn’t change my name, the account, however is quite accurate.)

John is the employee at the store who was assigned the task of helping me with my supply list — and luckily for us both it looked like I was about the only person in the whole store who needed any help.

(A coWorker of John’s walks by and says something to him while he’s gathering some things for me…)

John: (saying to me wearily)  I don’t have any friends.

Me: (bewildered) Ummm, you don’t?

John: Neh.  I mean, these guys are nice and all…but, they just wanna go out and drink…a lot.  I mean, don’t misunderstand me.  I like to kick one back — but — I don’t get crazy.

Me: (smiling, and laughing) Ya, I know.  (oh, God…gimme words…gimmmeee words) Umm,  I think you would like my friends.  I’m in a band.

Okay, i just gotta say--when that came outta my mouth I almost wet my
pants.  I'm thinking -- O God, that was really weird!
I've told people I was a lot of stuff...a Mom,
a Preacher's Wife, a Worship Leader...but I've never looked at
somebody and said "Hey, guess what...I'm in a band." 
John looked at me very curiously and said...

John: (very interested) You’re in a band…what kind of band?

Me: A rock band.  (Who just said that?!  Wait a minute…I, I AM in a rock band!)

John: (still curious) Where do you play?

Me: Umm, well we play at our church (playing off the whole church thing because I really don’t want to talk about my church, I really want to talk about him and why he doesn’t have any friends)…but we get together most Sunday’s afterward at one of our houses for lunch and junk and stuff like that.  (emphatically)  My friends would like you.

John: (shyly)  Thanks, I take that as a compliment.

At this point –while he’s still gathering up my supplies (I mean I’m here for supplies–right)  I reached into my wallet and pulled out THE ONLY CARD in it –

my BAND card,  oneWHITEshoe and

I write on the back of it dontcometoourchurch.com
Simultaneously John looks at me and says

John: “Hey, can I get some information about your band, and where you play?”

Me: ( handing him my card) “yep.”

Then, Heaven decided to laugh at me.
John smiled at me and said...

John: (with a grin)  You’re a real people person aren’t you?

Me: (trying very hard not to laugh out loud–but inside I was cracking up) Let’s just say I know people.

So the story goes that John told me a lot about his life, the current situation with his family and on and on….we talked for over an hour and a half.  I feel like I made a friend…

He helped me take all my ‘boy store stuff’ to the van and while he was helping me load it up he said…

John: It’s Jayme, right?

Me: Yep, it’s Jayme.

John: I think you’ll be seeing me again.

Me: Yep, I think so too.  Remember, I know people. 

Since that day–I have told all my band buddies about “john” and all my other friends to go into to the Home Improvement Store and ask for “John”.  Tell him that Jayme sent ya…

 

if i had one wish…

I am dedicating this poem to my Nanny Ruth who got her wish July 28, 2008.  The last 7 years of her life she lay in a nursing home wasting away with Alzheimer’s.  I believe that these words would have been hers.

If I had one wish…

I’d close my eyes, (ever so tight)

cross my fingers and

whisper my wish with all my might!

Then peer through barely opened eyes

to another world where

everyone laughs — no one cries!

If not today, if not tomorrow

some glad day my dimly-lit eyes will open

to no more sorrow.

I’ll wake with a shout and a radiant smile

hand in hand with my Lover –

whose been waiting all the while.

© Jayme Martin 2009

 

Corners ~ (revisited)

The first time I posted this poem, it broke my heart.  I cried and cried for days after writing it.  I felt as if I had been purged of some type of cancer that had been eating away at my very soul.

But if you will bid me a ‘revisitation’ ~ I would LOVE to post one of favorite poems of all time again.

Why?  Because I have a Red Balloon Day photo that is the perfect image of my heart and soul today — after being beckoned out of my corners so very long ago!  (And I’m not crying…that’s always a good reason for a revisitation!)

It is my prayer that this poem will touch someone.   Here’s to the Tear Taker — giver of Red Balloon days!

Corners

Wounded little one
sitting all alone
found out too soon
everyone’s gone…no one’s home.
Tiny little tears
from a great big heart
they dry on the cheek
yet leave an everlasting mark.

Rain–Rain go away, come again some other day
Just a song that children say…
Just a song that children say…

Wounds once small
grew to be
broken pain inside of me.
Tiny little tears
from a great big heart
cried out to the One
with the Everlasting Mark.

Rain–Rain go away…Rain, Rain go away
Just a song from my soul today…
Just a song from my soul today…

Rain Maker
Tear Taker
Mended from a broken start!
Rain Maker
Tear Taker
Saved from the corners of my heart!

~The End

Corners © Jayme Martin 2008